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My Mother, My Friend?
The 90s witnessed a craze in mother-daughter films. They portrayed relationships across the spectrum from happy duos to dysfunctional ones. Everyone watching could identify with the characters on their TV screens. Yes, Susan Sarandon is DEFINITELY my mom. Obviously, Evan Rachel Wood’s life is based on my daughter’s.
Unfortunately, mother-daughter relationships are not as simple as Hollywood productions. In the real world, the scripts are not yet finished and every day brings a new battle, a new victory, a new loss. In the real world, these relationships are much more complex and no two are ever the same, even between siblings.
Mothers play an integral role in the lives of their children; they shelter us for nine months in their wombs, stay up all night trying to figure out how to make our fever go away, and spend all afternoon teaching us basic math. They caress our wounds and hold our hands in difficult times. But as we grow older and become more of who we really are, a dynamic change takes hold of this standard.
Or at least it has for me.
Don’t get me wrong, my mom and I have a healthy relationship. He continues to support my dreams, career choices, and boyfriend (who I think he loves more than me. HA!). Her strength, patience and compassion still manage to inspire me to one day become the mother she is; in the way she attends to our every need and juggles her demanding job with caring for us.
But the older I get the more I realize our big differences and the more we argue. What we say to each other gets misinterpreted and sometimes gets completely lost in translation. I don’t agree with her ways and she doesn’t agree with mine. She takes my words personally and I take hers as reprimand and condemnation. Later, and after I have cooled down, I realize that he means no harm, that this is his way of expressing his love and care. Sure, I wish she could change her ways, but I’m sure she wants me to change mine.
But it won’t change either. Instead, what we do is never bring it up again. At least not intentionally. Healthy solution? Absolutely not, but it keeps things stable and quiet even for a few weeks.
Because of the dramatic changes in our societies since our parents’ upbringing and ours, we are inevitably very different from them. Sure, we may have similar characteristics, but our values and lifestyles have been altered and so, for the most part, they may not understand or fully adapt to all the choices we make.
I think this “generation gap” plays a big part in making mother-daughter relationships even more complicated. But besides being
But in addition to the complications that live in the folds of mother-daughter relationships, we need to understand their resilience. These bonds, even if they bend from time to time, have great value because both parties care deeply for each other. And as we daughters grow up, we develop a new sense of responsibility toward our aging parents; to not hurt their newly acquired sensitive feelings, to take care of them when they get sick and to surround them with even more love and respect. After all, wouldn’t we want the same from our children when we’re 65?
Of course, our mothers will continue to criticize our choice of ripped jeans and the way we like to leave our clothes on the bedroom floor because, I believe, mothers will continue to be mothers and daughters will continue to seek their approval throughout their lives. life And this starts from a very young age. Dr. Christiane Northrup, author of the book Mother-Daughter Wisdom, explained that “each of us understands at a cellular level how our mother feels about being a woman, what she believes about her body, how she takes care of her health and what that she believes is possible in life.”
Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? Our mothers are the first people we interact with and with whom we spent most of our time as babies, toddlers and young children. Most of us mirrored her behavior, stealing her lipstick and smearing it on our faces and walking around in her high heels. They may not be perfect (because no one is), but they have provided us with something that not many relationships can: unconditional love.
So, to all the girls who have troubled relationships with their mothers: you are not alone and it will get better with age. If not, seek counseling – therapy works wonders.
To my mom: I’m sorry to be difficult but haven’t our arguments made us stronger? Thank you for your undying support.
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