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## What Teenagers Need – Positive Teaching and Parenting

As a high school teacher for the past few decades, I found that the biblical reference that says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only that which is useful for building others up according to their needs because can benefit them. that they listen,” was totally relevant to what teenagers need.

Having a bit of a tantrum, whether at home or in the classroom, is pretty unhealthy, hurtful and damaging as you can get and will only serve to discourage, exasperate or irritate your teenagers. (Ask me how I know this.)

“Unhealthy talk” can also be a word of quiet criticism. Once, when I was supervising a math class, I noticed a worksheet on the floor next to a student’s desk. It was curled up in a corner and not many of the exercises had been done. I pointed out these two shortcomings to the student and it was almost like I could see the blinds come down on six months of relationship building.

The words came out before I could even get my mind going and I knew as I spoke that it was the wrong thing to do. Normally I would have said “Would you like a new sheet?” or “How can I help you?” or “That’s a good start, now let’s see how much you can do in the next 10 minutes.” Coaxing is always better than criticism.

My experience, when criticized (even though I know I’m wrong), is to get defensive, and I’m old! Imagine what it’s like for teenagers.

What they really need at this stage in their lives are words that build them up according to their needs and that can benefit them, that is, words of encouragement, affirmation and lots of praise. The benefits to them and to us as parents and teachers are quite amazing: harmony not discord, peace not struggle for supremacy, and love not war.

When I left my last school where I had been a (sub)casual for eight years, I received “thank you” notes from students. I think these notes illustrate what teenagers want and need from their parents and teachers.

Some of the notes mention kindness, patience, thoughtfulness, encouragement, and fun. Teenagers value these qualities and what I found was that the more I relaxed and enjoyed their company, the less I had to discipline them.

Below I have included some excerpts from the notes for the children to speak for themselves. They are teenagers speaking from the heart and showing what teenagers think they need and value.

Each note began, “Thank you for…”

– Make every student in the school happy

– Put up with us every time you catch us (that is, be patient)

– Always give every student a chance and treat everyone like an adult giving lots of credit and making every lesson fun and enjoyable

– To be very kind and to give me many stickers (of merit).

– You make work fun

– Be a patient and reflective teacher

Patience is required, as well as kindness, thoughtfulness, a sense of humor and fun, and the ability to listen more than talk.

When we praise and value our teenagers, the results are nothing short of miraculous.

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